January 28, 2009

quiet

It must not have been telepathy. Perhaps, just some easy observation. But, yes, we were quieter the last two times.

Somehow, there just weren't enough questions to ask. Or, more like... there were not many answers I knew I could get. I've long known there isn't much point pursuing if she's not going to share. That hasn't changed. I won't chase for answers because I know it's not in her to tell. When it is, she will be.

I don't know where to begin. Begin the other things we could talk about. And I have a sense that we don't have time. It's our work, our families, our mutual friends, her many other friends anticipating to meet up with her, my boyfriend. I really feel we just don't have enough time. Not that we actually talk a lot and have a lot to tell each other. Perhaps we don't. But how to expect something when you don't even feel you have an exclusive right to?

My work, the nature of it, sets me quite apart and different from most of the people I know. It may have given me the kind of lifestyle that I'm, still, enjoying. But I am now also seeing the other page, the fine print of the agreement. Not just the odd work-time. It's the feeling that you are all progressing in some kind of direction, meeting more and new people while I begin to feel left out in your life.

Is it really because I chose to do this? Or because I'm turning into one of those boring attached personnel whose life slowly revolves around work-life and love-life? Either way, I do not wish happen.

Where to begin asking and catching up? I'm sure we are more or less the same. But the players in our lives keep changing. The constant players, on the other hand, have enough on their own plates. Do we catch up with the players or with each other, or are they both related?

I know not to pursue where there's no answers. But, I do not know how to begin pursuing when I feel time is running out and the strangers just got more.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:43